My carnivale season

(My timing is impeccable - this is it so far - more to come)


My life circa 1979:

It was a fluke, a lark perhaps that I ended up a 'carnie'...it's certainly not where I 'd ever imagined myself to land for a season...a brief, mad season - but then in hindsight when we do 'see ourselves' or imagine ourselves isn't it always about 'better times' or wistful nostalgia - always we were happier, prettier, more handsome, smarter, more full of promise 'back in the day'...

I was just coming off the merry-go-round of a bad break up (really nasty with my first *real* 'live-in' boyfriend) and I was forced to move back home to my dad's unceremoniously, my tail between my legs...and I had certainly already seen a lot of 'life' - back then, stuff a girl my age really should not have been involved with - but after losing my mom and leaving home - I was a bit of a lost soul, I could have been the poster girl for 'Go Ask Alice' except that I came out alive...

I found myself hanging with some neighborhood locals - my sister (who had as of yet never left home) had made some friends and introduced me to them. One of her friends form work had a brother named 'Johnny Z' and everyone knew (and loved) Johnny - he was cool, charismatic and gorgeous - he had his own apartment and he could score some pretty good dope.

At one point, mid to late summer, Johnny had a bad bike accident (flew over his handlebars and broke his collarbone) - my sister and I took turns taking care of him - at one point he had me shave him - but I refused to sponge bathe him (such a naive girl at times) - one day while I was over there Johhny asked me if I wanted to stick around and meet his step-cousin Tommie, he indicated Tommie was coming over to hang with him and go take him to see a movie help get him out of the house for a bit. I was not sure I wanted to tag along - I liked Johnny well enough but did not know what his 'family' was like - he assured me I'd like Tommie.

Tommie showed up - he was very dark and brooding, very unusual; he just had non-conformist written all over him - he was an artist (I did not know this then) - he was very quiet - he was kind of cute - 1/2 Cherokee Indian - great cheekbones and eyes.

We all decided to go for a ride in the car with Tommie and skip the movie. Johnny sat up front riding shotgun, and I sat in the back seat. I happened to glance down at the floor of this very clean car (as it turned out, it was Tommie's mom's car) and spotted a thick book by Larry Niven (Sci-Fi writer) - I asked whose book it was - don't know why I asked....there was a silence and I looked up to find Tommie staring intently at me in the rear-view mirror - he had a weird little smirk on his face and he said "Why? do you read?" - don't ask me why - but just the little look and the tone in his voice - it wasn't quite sarcasm - it was more like a challenge - kind of intrigued me.

We ended up going down to a park by Lake Erie and Tommie and I got to know each other better. He had had a very rough life and he was currently working in a carnival. He had traveled all over the place. He was very smart and very street-smart..yet he had this vulnerability about him. One of the weird/cute things that happened was that Tommie always wore the same suede cap (in fact he was buried with it when he died) - and I was messing with him and knocked it off his head to the ground - he put it back on and felt immediately something was 'crawling' on his head - he took off his cap and made me look and believe it or not there was a tick lodged/stuck to his scalp I had to use his lighter to burn it off - talk about a fun first date! By the time we ended up leaving the park I decided I DID like him enough to say yes when he asked permission to see me again.

Our relationship began very slowly. He was quiet and he was hard to get to know. But I loved his wit, his humour, his talent with fine-line drawing - his artwork was amazing, his easiness with everyone - his attitude which was pretty much a blend of 'Fuck you and calm down' - he was tight - he was contained - he was deep.

We saw each other off and on during the rest of the summer - fall came and my dad re-married and we all moved into a new house with my new step-mother (a bitchy, bleached-blonde, beached-whale of a person who was incredibly different in comparison to the tiny, dark vivacious beauty that was my mother) - I tried my best to live under their roof, - I really gave it my best shot but once you've been out on your own - well let's just say the old adage 'you can't go home again' is pretty true...I mean between my step-brother sneaking into my room at night and his mother asking why I didn't want to date her son (ugh! ewwww! yuck! I mean WTF???) - I just could not take it anymore. Finally one day, early fall she caught Tommie (well she was spying on us from the porch I Had moved my bedroom permanently into the sun room to get away from her son)- rolling a joint...looking back now I can appreciate her viewpoint - she erupted. That night in a 'family meeting' she basically asked my dad to pick between her and me - I lost...

Tommie was leaving to go out of town to a 'job' (I really didn't realise just what kind of 'jobs' carnies held)... and I could not get in touch with him to tell him of my new predicament - he had already left town. I was in a blind panic at this point cause I had no place to go...I called some friends and was able to crash and left word with Johnny about what had happened. I was over at Johnny's when Tommie called him - he talked with me, I cried and he said he'd be home in a couple of days to help me out...

Tommie came home and I am sure he did so just to help me. He took me over to his uncle's house to live. The place was crazy. Sure I had been in crazy situations and lived under horrible conditions in the past - when you live a life of sex and drugs and rock-n-roll that happens. But this was somehow darker, and,it didn't help that Tommie hated this place too;– he hated his cousins and his uncle but he felt it was '‘safe enough'’ and he must have done some threatening too...like threatening them with violence if any harm came to me. I bunked in one of the smaller rooms and I was left alone. Tommie came over when he could. We argued at times but he told me that this was the only option - his mom was a hard-core Christian and I would not be allowed to move in with him under her roof. Fall passed and winter began to set in...I was becoming increasingly unhappy.

On December 8, 1980, John Lennon was assassinated. Tommie was in town and we both sat numb in front of the T.V. (I was crying), while his uncle and his cousins yelled at one another and played poker. Tommie and I had discussed his ‘'job'’ a couple of times...he'’d bring his mom and me back these great and unusual gifts, once I went with him to buy novelty items. I knew he lived on the fringes. I knew it was ‘under the 'radar' and, while I considered myself to be a non-conformist and someone who didn't fit in’, I just wasn't sure about the life he led. He had been forced to run away when he was 16 years old and I didn'’t know all the details other than the fact that his mom had married a black man when Tommie was young and back in the 70s that just wasn'’t something that was acceptable in certain social circles. Tommie spent most of his grade school years having the shit knocked out of him. By the time he got to high school he just couldn'’t take it anymore, and he left, ran away to go join a carnival. (I know we all threatened to like run off and join the circus when we were little, well Tommie grew up and really did it!)

He had been all over the states and spent time in California;– he had been to South America and his stories were fascinating and frightening at the same time. After a lot of talking, he finally popped the question -– he asked me to go with him and try it for a '‘season'’. Well I didn't have anything else to do, other than be a waitress. I was not going to college (someone should have really kicked my ass for this) - I had no ambition to do anything. Tommie said we would not begin until '‘spring season'’ began in the North -– in 'carnie' terms that meant usually after Easter. *Real* 'Carnivale'’ season begins after Mardi Gras in New Orleans at least in the south it does...he asked if I could just hold out a little longer and by this time his mom had met me and approved so we could spend time there if we had to. She still wasn't too keen on us living together without the benefit of marriage but she was slowly accepting Tommie and his life - he was her only child -– she had no choice and in her way she loved him too...

I spent the winter learning about his life...this was his time off. We did a lot of drugs, we saw a lot of movies, went to concerts; he taught me the language (yes there is a language), he taught me the terms, but still I had no clue of the portent of all that he said and I was not to have a clue until I got there...where ever '‘there'’ was.

In terms of our relationship we hit a really rough patch. He was antsy and I am not even sure he wanted to commit to me.– I am not sure he wanted me to see his '‘secret world', away from the normal universe we both inhabited together. I was scared too;– I did not want to end up stranded somewhere - being rough never scared me but I wasn'’t '‘rough'’ I wasn'’t one of those girls that could kill someone if I had to, I would have been the one dying. We fought over this. My training involved making me 'tougher' (imagine G.I. Jane but with a seedier outcome) Tommie'’s mom lived in a really bad neighborhood (it'’s STILL a really bad neighborhood). It was primarily Hispanic and he and his mom were on of the few whites in the neighborhood. His mom carried a gun (seriously), and I had no doubt she'’d use it too, AND she'’d beat the crap out of just about anyone who threatened her, her safety, her child...she is still this way in her life, she's just a tough old broad (and I adore her). She actually pulled a plow when she was young (not the horses,– they were too poor for horses on the farm she grew up on;– SHE HAD PULLED THE PLOW). So Tommie, who did not carry a gun but carried a boot knife, bought me a knife.– I refused to carry it, and that's the kind of thing we fought over. He was pissy cause he had to 'escort'’ me everywhere because I wasn'’t about to carry a weapon. He told me I had to change 'I had to ‘get tough';’ I had to stop being so 'nice' because carnie life would be too harsh otherwise. Spring was rapidly approaching and we didn't have a lot of time...I needed to understand this shit - fast.

The weekend after Easter his mother drove us to the 'owners'’ house. These were people who lived in Sebring, OH a small town. They were (to my absolute amazement), normal people. They had a set of twin boys (who were about 11 yrs old), and a teen-aged daughter. They were hard-working Christian people. They were very happy to see Tommie but they were not as thrilled to know I was tagging along. At one point the father of the family pulled me aside and asked me if I wanted out;– was there anything he could do; did I want money to go home to my folks.– When I told him, this impossibly nice man that I could not go home to my folks anymore he looked like I had broken something inside of him; perhaps he was thinking of his own daughter when he looked at me (I was to get a lot of this down the road). We spent a couple of days with this young family. The boys flirted with me incessantly at one point I told Tommie I was going to go sleep in the little camper/truck that we were using as our 'home'’ on the road (they were driving me nuts).

Finally we began to load the camper and the 'game'’ trailer. Tommie called the game '‘bulldozers' -’ it was also known as 'Penny Falls'’ - you can check it out *here*:

How the game operated was this: There was a '‘playing field' -’ a flat table - and you would put pennies, coins, or tokens on the field. You would also put little novelties, trinkets etc. on the field as well (remembering to 'always cover the house slot/hole'’,– in other words, there was a hole (space) along the sides and the back of the field where the coins would fall into 'our' pile)- there was a shooter for the players (marks) and they would buy tokens or quarters from us and then put the tokens in the 'shooter' to try to angle it the best way on the playing field so that when the bulldozer moved forward it would push their coin and dump more coins, toys, etc into their slot.

We were to head south and then we would eventually return for the big state fair held every year in Canfield, OH. For now though, we would be hooking up with an actual '‘carnival'’ owned by a man called 'Big Richard'’ (think '‘Boss Hog'’ and you'’ve got a pretty accurate description). Big Richard could not have been taller than 5 foot on his best day - even with his hat’. So we headed out. I was hit with a mixture of excitement, fear and homesickness. We headed into Pennsylvania and that's where the fun began.